Things I have learned from my dying patients...
Over the years, I have learned to really appreciate the conversations I have witheach one of my patients. They are vast wealths of knowledge and wisdom and often times provide the most thought provoking insight into life's biggest questions. I have the unique privilege to have to the opportunity to learn from them. They teach me something new every single day. You may wonder why a post like this is appearing in a "health and wellness" type blog, but on my own journey to be the best I can be, I am also doing a lot of soul searching. I am not only working to improve on the outisde but on the inside as well. These life lessons I have learned from those at the end of their lives, are things I will carry with me and hopefully be able to teach my own children.
1. Spend time with your kids.
"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children" – Elaine Heffner
This I am realizing more and more as I see how quickly my kids are growing. I can see the look in an older woman's eyes as she longs for the days of when her children were young again, and she wasn't facing the end of her own life. It saddens me to know that she longs for the days, but warms my heart to know that she looks back on her childrens' time growing up so fondly, and has memories to last her a lifetime. As a mom, it is important for me to show my children how to live. I don't want them to grow up not knowing how important it is to create memories with your family. The take home message to is cherish the time with you children. Put your phone away, turn the TV off, and spend those precious moments with them.
2. Commit to your marriage.
Falling in love was simple; one had only to yield. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love, was bloody work, and not a soft job.”
― Hanif Kureishi
If you are married and reading this, we all know marriage is hard. It takes hard work, and committement. Everytime I have a patient, I ask them how long they have been married, and ask what is the secret to a long marriage. The most frequently common answer I get is: "You have to talk to each other. Without that you have nothing." The next thing: "You have to be able to laugh at each other, and make the other laugh." "You have to want to be married. And you have to work at it."
One patient, mentioned to me one day that "people nowadays give up too easily." I sadly agreed with her, and lamented that the generation ahead of me will probably be one of the last to see marriages celebrate 50th & 60th wedding anniversaries.
3. Find humor in life.
"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”
― Audrey Hepburn
If you can't laugh about life, life is going to be pretty boring. I have been told that more than once, and have been advised by many that maintaining a sense of humor is key to staying happy; even during the darkest of times. I have witnessed patients dealing facing incredible odds but they still manage to crack a joke here and there.
Even on some of their worst days, my patients are able to make jokes and find humor in small things. It really puts life into perspective. Here I am sitting next to this person, who's future is grim and life is short, and they are making me laugh. I really realize on these days that even though I may have my own problems in life (we all do of course), that if I can't laugh about things, life is not fun anymore.
4. Things don't matter as much as time spent with people and relationships do.
“To be content with little is difficult; to be content with much, impossible.”
― Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Possessions provide you nothing when need someone to hold your hand, provide a shoulder for support or an ear to listen. The new TV or ipad you just purchased cannot give you a hug, hold your hand during another test, or sit next to you and help you understand what the doctor just told you. Sure, things are nice. I like things just as much as the next person, but my things won't be there for me 20 years down the road and I certainly cannot take them with when it's my time to leave this earth. I have had conversations with people who lived during times when earnings were meager, and they were just barely getting by. But they look upon those times fondly, and often times proclaim those years to be some of the best of their lives. They may not have had much but they spent the time with their familes and made the memories.
5. Be compassionate.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”
― Plato
Even if the person I am caring for at the end of their life was not the best person during their time, in my eyes they deserve compassion. This is not a lesson that I have learned through conversations but through interactions with my patients over the years. It is not my place to judge them for their past misdeeds in life, but to be there to support them during the most trying and frightening time in their life. I will often ask the question,"Is there anyone we can for you?" When they reply, "No" my heart aches for them. I don't know what happened to them in their journey but I know I can make an impact on their life in whatever time he or she may have left.
In short; be kind to others, love often, laugh often, and enjoy your time spent with those around you and make memories.
These individuals I have encountered have been my greatest teachers on appreciating life, and letting the little things go. I have learned to enjoy spontaneous moments, and sometimes just let it be. I have learned that dishes can wait when my kids just want to play or cuddle.
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